IF

I haven’t been keeping up lately with my posts on my Blog. I try to write and find my mind wondering.  I think of my daughter and her future. The loss of my grandchild and the what if’s in life.   My father used to say if is a small word, but it makes people ponder a lot.  “If is the biggest little word I know”. That is what my father used to tell me.  I asked him what he meant. He told me, if I would have gone to college I wouldn’t be working in the woods. If I would have made better financial choices as a young man I would have saved money. If I would have known my body would have turned against me, I would have made better choices.

As I look back I wonder what life would have been like if I would have done things differently.  I started the, what if thing and decided that I am happy for the way things are and I know I got hear from the choices I made. What if I hadn’t gone to college? I would still be working at the local five and dime.  Life is so short for the, what if thing.  I loved my father and I wonder if he took a positive approach to life he would have live longer.  See, that I did the, what if thing.  

I have been trying to avoid the, what if, scenario.  When things are stressful and you are down, what if, sneaks up on you and will suck what little energy you have and make things more difficult.    I loved my father and I totally understand what he was saying.  I am just having a difficult time getting back into life after a wrongful death.  I can set and wonder what if.   Positive or negative the pain and loss of a grandchild is terrible. Watching my daughter and her husband deal is painful.  The word “IF” (noun) can be used as a possibility, condition, or stipulation.     That is why “if” is such a large idea.

Good-bye

For those of you who have been following my blog. I have some very sad news.  I was called yesterday at 11:30 A.M. from my daughter.  My daughter lost her remaining Twin.  So, last night at 9 p.m.  I was able to hold my precious little granddaughter.  She was so perfect.  She weighed 4. 5 pounds and seemed to be resting peacefully with the angles in heaven.  He parents are broken hearted and very sad. Baby Madisyn will never now her parents or grandparents.  It truly is a sad day.  I held her and loved her while my own heart was breaking.  

I keep telling myself God has his plan but right now, I truly don’t understand.  I think the worst feeling in the world knows your child is hurting and having no way of making it better.  The only thing worse is losing a child. 

Jump Rope

Everyday, I have morning recess duty in the MPR and the students play and have a great time. This morning while at work I had the privileged to witness memories in the making.  For the past week I have been observing the play time with the jump rope games between the Kindergartens and the older students.  The older students keep creating games and the little ones seemed to be pushed out.  This morning I found a large jump rope gave the extra one to the kindergarten students.

This was a magical moment.  The three students who couldn’t jump with the older student were teaching each other how to jump.  It was an amazing moment. I heard one on the little girls singing jump rope songs like a pro. She stopper and showed the smaller girl when to jump. I watched for several minutes then offered to hold the rope. The girls were excited to have the attention and to show me what they learned. The three girls made me smile and changed my whole outlook for the day. 

The best part of this experience for me was the joy on the girl’s faces when they were actually able to jump without being told by the older students that their time was up. The girls were able to make their own rules. They decided it would be more fun if everyone knew how to jump rope learning to jump rope is fun. So, each child got to jump until they could do it three times without making a mistake. The students used the alphabet and numbers in their songs. They have no clue that the game songs were actually helping them with the phonics of reading and the counting for math.  This really made me make the connections between learning and having a good time. You can have both if done properly.  I look forward to being a teacher and sharing the magic of learning. 

Dog Days

The talk about the dog days of summer and I could never understand what they thought was so great about lying around when it’s hot. Well, today I think was the dog days of winter.  Let me clarify that.  The day had gone to the dogs.  

At 2 am this morning our dog Jake felt the whole house and neighborhood had to be awake and aware the moon was shining bright.  He barked his fool head off for almost 15 minutes underneath the bedroom window until he woke are 9 year old black lab. The poor old dog got up to tell him to shut up. He let out a bark in the bedroom that could have woken the dead.  The blasted dog had to go out and chase the night creatures.  So I get up to let out Mack and Jake meets him at the French doors and dog wrestling  peruses as if no one is sleeping.

I head back to bed and think maybe things will quiet down now that Jake and Mack are outside together.  I must have been having delusional thoughts of uninterrupted sleep.  I lay back down and get comfortable and close my eyes and my little dog Pete wanted out of his kennel.  The little Shorkey needed out to take on the world. He has little dog syndrome.  I got up put on his jacket and then he barked for the next thirty minutes.

As I lay in bed now counting sheep to go back to sleep, I am wonder why every dog in the neighborhood is barking. Now, I say neighborhood like I live in a subdivision in a large city.  It is more like in a there are 6 houses in a half mile radius.   Anyway as I get up to empty my bladder I look out and discover that there is a full moon or near a full moon outside and I can at the top of the hill the silhouette of a deer just hanging out in the horse pasture.

I realize the night has gone to the dogs. I go back to bed to see that my husband is sleeping like a baby. He is so oblivious to the sounds around us at night. Then my mind starts to wonder as the dogs bark and moon shines into the room illuminating it like I turned on a nightlight.  I place the pillow over my head and drift off to sleep.

Stress

Stress! I have found that while I like to think stress doesn’t really affect my life, I am so wrong. After working in the mental health profession as a PSR(Psychosocial Rehabilitations) specialist I could recognize the symptoms of stress. I do in everyone but myself. 

I can say that my cup is full and I want to empty the cup into a stream taking my stress far away. I am glad that this semester’s classes are starting to slow down.  I feel like I am starting to catch up. My children are adults and I still worry about them. I have no control over their lives yet I feel for them when they call just to know that I am there to listen.  Just listening stresses me out.  So I have to decided to compile a list of things that stress me out that I have no control over and then send it down it stream of stress relief.

1. People who drive below the speed limit.  
2.  I cannot run my children’s lives, even though I want to help. I will not stand in there way of success of failure.
3. I will do my best and get the grade I earned
4.  I will not continue to obsess over things I cannot change
5.  I will look for the positive even when I feel negative
6.  I will let stress of other peoples, be just that other peoples.
7.  I will not stress of my daughters pregnancy even thought I love her, I will only think positive thoughts.   
8. I will love my husband because we are soul mates.
9.  I will enjoy reading again soon 
10.  I will relax over the holidays and enjoy my family 
11. I will love my dog the way he loves me, unconditionally
12. I will clean house because I like the way I feel when it is clean

Stress and anxiety lead to depression. I know the signs.  It is my job to distress and enjoy life.  Take care of myself and have fun. Life is short and stress doesn't have to be everyday life. So, I will be posting my blog and burning a copy so I can move forward and leave my stress behind.   I stress over everything and I have since I was a little girl. My mother used to say that when I'm six fee under I will stress. She is gone to heaven and I am sure she is telling me to let my stress of.  So, this is for you mom and me. Good by stress and hello world.

Blogging

Each day I try and set some time aside to write. I start out with the best intentions and poof before I realize it the day is over and I am exhausted.  Like all of you my stress level is higher than usual. School seems to have taken a toll on my personal life.  All work and no plan make Nancy a dull girl.  Well, things are not as bad as “The Shinning”.  But I do feel a little estranged from family and friends. I am looking forward to the holidays.

Here is an update on my daughter who is experiencing acardiac twin pregnancy.  The will be taking the twins in the next few weeks. So, I am not sure exactly how much I will be on my blog or even in school. I will be traveling to Seattle to welcome my new granddaughter into the world and giving support to my daughter and her husband.  This is a happy and sad situation but we will make the best of it and pray that the healthy baby remains healthy.  

If you haven’t looked up acadiac twins and you want to please be aware that it can be hard to look at. In my daughters case the babies are not connected except at the umbilical cord. Baby A is healthy and baby b has formed, but not correctly because of the lack of Oxygen. The heart and other organs have not developed correctly.  Baby A is pumping blood to both bodies.  Currently baby A as doing okay, but the doctors monitor twice a week and plan to deliver her as soon as they feel it is safe or if she goes into cardiac failure.  So, if you ladies believe in the power of prayer please say a prayer for Baby Madisynn.   See will need all the support available to make it in this world. 

Hike Continued

Continued from Hike blog

The students are huddled together on the ledge above the ravaged creek beds that were eroding with each splash of water. The students are scared and petrified to cross the rope bridge hanging across the rushing water. With each passing moment the danger becomes more dangerous to pass. I encouraged one of the boys to cross to the other side in hopes that he would be able to get help or help if the bridge collapsed.  One by one the students found their enter strength and began crossing.  One, two, three, four and so on until it was my turn to cross the narrow rope bridge and I was suddenly petrified like the students. I looked up and saw fear in their faces.  I watched their eyes and followed them to the bank.

The fog was starting to lift and down at the edge of the rushing water was all the gear including the keys to the van.  I quickly went over the edge not realizing I was now pushed up against the rushing water. The sound was deafening. I tossed the bag and the supplies to the students standing on the other side of the bank.   I could see a wall of water rushing toward me with little time to react.  I could feel the ice cold water pull me in to the torrent rage. I went under once, twice and then found my way to the other side. I had made it to the and now I had to hike back toward the frighten students.

Hike

I remember seeing a volunteer sign-up sheet in the school cafeteria.  It read, “Chaperon needed for Alpine hike, enjoy the fall foliage with young Botanist from Mr. Wilson’s science class”.  I jumped on the chance to see the fall foliage and to work with children who wanted to learn about deciduous trees. What a great way to spend the last weekend of October.

Now, looking back I didn’t take into account the difficulty of the terrain and the inexperience of the new science teacher. He had read about this experience in a book and had never been to “Lost Lake”.  Lost Lake is wedged between the Saw Tooth Mountains in an elevation of 3100 ft. Not an extreme mountain for our area. But enough that we both should have thought that weather could play a part. Now I am stuck in a fog bank with six well-read students who have zero mountaineer skills and the foliage alone the ridge is scattered with wet slippery debris and it’s our only way out. To my right is a rock wall as far as I can see up. We stand on the narrow path and the left is straight down to a once dry creek that is now spilling over with fresh rainwater and mist.